Remember that I'll always love you

Lately I feel as though I am fighting this uphill battle. The battle between my own happiness and keeping/making my loved ones happy. I know, I know, you can't make anyone else happy, and the more you try you're just diminishing your own happiness. However the ultimate question on my mind is, how can I be happy when the ones I truly love and care for are struggling so badly? I honestly have no idea how to continue on and not feel every heart-wrenching pain they feel. It is physically and emotionally draining me so much. Sometimes I just would rather make others happy and bottle all my thoughts and emotions up. I keep holding out, feeling like something has to give, feeling like some turn or twist somewhere in the road is going to make up for all the pain and sorrow. So far, no good. I just continue to have faith, because at the end of the day, all I have is faith. When it all comes down to it, no one is going to be there if I fall, no one is going to support me or hold me up. I guess one just continues to give from the heart and hold the burdens of everyone else above their own. I am learning with each and every new day that strength becomes less about how much you can take on physically, and more about what your character holds as the most important thing. To me, family comes first, even if they do not feel the same towards me...someone has to be there when people fall. If I spend the next eternity as a safety net for others, at least I can feel like I gave it my all...did all I can do, held others in place because they cannot handle everything without me. My heart is always going to be my biggest complex, I just know, if I don't help...who will? "There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay, and nothing you could do could stop me from feeling the way I do. But if the chance should happen that I never see you again, just remember that I'll always love you."

People you may know and dislike...

I say this openly, because dislike isn't as strong of a word as hate. I cannot speak for everyone but I know for myself; as of late, I've had this strong wave of passion towards those I dislike. See for the past 8 months I've done quite an impressive job combating my evil thoughts towards those I dislike, with blessings. For example, the people who do not say 'thank you' when I hold the door for them. I think "I hope they learn manners", opposed to thinking "Wow that lady is a real rude-@$$" (pardon my french). Or the old couple I waited on last week telling me "Your tattoos make you unlady like, how will you ever get married..." and continuing on bashing, or rather out right judging me. Instead of saying can you hurry up and eat before you hit 100 ya old jerk, I said "that may be your opinion but times are uh changin'". I can just feel my energy slowly creeping from being full of kindness to being full of apathy and minor disgust for those around. Sometimes feeling as though even my own friends may be just another ungrateful woman I hold the door for, or that rude man judging me with each new piece of art I get on my body. I don't understand the logic, so maybe one day someone could help me to grasp these concepts I am missing out on.
What is so hard about being kind? Being unbiased? Being non judgmental? The only time people want to help or be grateful is when it is convenient or they can afford it. Why? Just like, why is the only reason we help during the holidays? The only time we treat someone nicely only on their Birthdays? The motivation we get from these events should resonate all year round, but for whatever reason....it doesn't. It is because at the core of every human, is greed....selfishness. Granted people do "good deeds" but I have realized it is not for the sake of doing the right thing, but rather for the feeling.
Though I am feeling unappreciated and under-rated...I will continue to be thankful, grateful, and humble most of all. I am happy to have survived another week, day, month, and hopefully year! I just needed to vent before I changed my mindset. Have a great Tuesday!

I rarely ever....

Post on here much anymore. I am unsure if it is due to lack of creative spark, or if it is just pure laziness. I will admit it may possibly be a tad bit of both. I just found some old notes I wrote to my future self (more or less a way of tracking my own progress). I found this to be one of my favorite pieces that I intend to illustrate and hang in my house.


10 things to do daily....


1.) Realize today is a new day, and ANYTHING is possible.

2.) Do some sort of exercise to stimulate the body.

3.) Have a peaceful moment, by yourself. In order to stimulate your mind. Read, meditate, write, etc.

4.) Go into the day KNOWING you do not KNOW everything, so you can learn something.

5.) Try to leave every person you meet a little happier, or at least; leave them with a smile:)

6.) Don't take everything SOOOO seriously!

7.)S L O W D O W N!

7.5.) You're far too impatient; give things time. "Rome wasn't built in a day."

8.) Enjoy music as much as possible. Even if just in your head.

9.) Appreciate what you have, even if life is not perfect. There are positive- GREAT things in your life, just look around.

10.) And always remember, you are only human. You will NEVER be perfect, but you will be exactly what you allow yourself to be!

For the record.

I think for once, I am going to write a post completely about how happy I am. Not because anything monumental happened; but because I realize life isn't about monumental. I've learned recently, contentment and settling are not the same thing. Also, just because you've accepted one doesn't mean the other walks hand in hand. Life is entirely what you choose to get out of it, nothing more....nothing less. How I feel right now, isn't hopelessness or impending doom. I feel confident and hopeful of whatever is to come in the next few weeks.

Kind is what kind does.

Recently I've moved back from Virgina. I can say life has been anything but easy on me. I could, well, I would usually say that if it's not one thing...it's another. I have let Michigan, or rather; northern mentality get the best of me. I have told several customers recently, just because it's cold, the weather sucks, and the economy as well. That doesn't mean we need to be unfriendly and unkind to one another. I don't think thats the person or mentality I wanna harbor anymore. In Virginia I was different...I had a renewed sense of hope in people. Happy people, create more happy people. I've learned in the two weeks of being "home" that I can either be completely miserable or I can do something about it. So by golly, I'm gonna do something about it! You are your only wall, your mind is the only thing stopping you from freeing yourself of every worry or bind you are in. Starting today, September 12th, I am going to do one random act of kindness a day. In addition to this random act of kindness I am going to try to be as positive as possible. My friend Megan said it best: It takes more energy to smile than it does to frown, and I ain't got much energy left. Today the universe restored faith in me, made me realize...lady luck just like people, might not always be on your side but all you really need is a good head on your shoulders and you can combat all the bad luck and bad people you encounter. Let everything be, the universe has got you fellow bloggers! Keep the good energy moving and have a great Monday!

Home is where the heart is, isn't it?

Today I was smoking a cigarette outside of the apartment complex I currently live in, I always find myself looking about aimlessly while doing so. My eyes caught the people who live across the way's door mat, which happened to read "There is no place like home". I shook my head because, when do you determine what is home? Here I am, about 700 miles from home, wondering to myself what constitutes a home? I would say without question, my home is in Michigan....however even when I think about that I feel confused, because how is Michigan my home when even my house there isn't mine. Then I ponder maybe my parent's house is home, wrong again; its no more my home than any of the other places I have stayed. So whats the answer? I think it is an open ended question, open to interpretation, open to debate, and open to whatever you really believe a home is. Maybe its 4 walls carefully molded together to protect the home maker. I know lately it feels like everywhere could be my home if I allow it to be, by this I mean just because a place is all you know and all you feel comfortable in; doesn't make it "home". So when people say home is where the heart is, my heart is in my body and wherever my body wanders...well anywhere should be home in that scenario!
I think Andrew Largeman got it best: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore all of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
I have no idea why, but I feel the same way he does, I have no idea where home is, nor any idea where I will plant my feet, a month from now. Let alone where I would call home. I guess I am my own home, I make up my own home "sweet" home.

People are never what you expect them to be.

This post is inspired by my new living style. Recently I moved to Virginia with my bestfriend and room mate Katherine Cervelli. We moved here with her sister Angela Cervelli who is a captain in the Army. At first I was more than excited, 50 days turned into 20 which turned into a week, and before you knew it we were driving cross state lines on a whim. We both (katherine and myself) up and quit our jobs, left our pets, left our house, everything behind just to start a new.
I won't bluff, I was a little nervous, new state, new living conditions. I barely know Angela, or the area at all. However, after about 5 days of being here I can say this is perfect. I'm probably the happiest I have ever been, though from time to time I miss certain things or people in Michigan....it doesn't phase me. I think the one thing I keep going back to in my head is the fact that it's so great because it's so vastly different from Michigan, mostly Downriver Michigan. People can say "everyone is the same everywhere you go" FALLACY! Not true! People here are different, and I've learned a lot of the people I thought I knew back home, I didn't. They held such high regards in my mind and now I look back and shake my head, I don't know if I want to come back....I'd be okay with making Virginia home.