I'm not drowning, and I don't need your life jacket.

Everyone needs a savior, whether it be in superhero form, higher power, or human. People get stuck in a bind and they search the grounds for someone to carry them out of their situation to salvation. As nice as it would be, for everytime I had a problem to have another person pick up the pieces and sweep all my problems under a rug, that's just never the way things work out for me. Ever since I can remember I have been my own prince charming, I have been holding my own fort and battling life with no one by my side. This on going problem of thinking someone is going to come to our rescue everytime the "shit" hits the fan, it's so unrealistic. I used to look to my parent's to save my younger self, but that is not even the case anymore. I try my hardest to rely on very few for anything, because if you are your own savior, you don't need to be in debt or feel guilty towards anything, or anyone. Sometimes things get bad, sometimes things feel like they are going to fall apart, but I've learned to be my own glue to hold all of my life together. So if I can, you can...always. Be your own helping hand, instead of waiting for a hand to come along, cause one day, you're gonna be waiting forever for a limb that won't be thrown your way. I'm not drowning, I'm not down and out, I am just a little lost, give me some time...I can figure everything out.

Ma Famille.

Wellll, my sister, big mama the dog and Dad's hand.

Being alone and being lonely are two separate things.

I have come to realize something in most recent weeks, not only about myself but about people in general. I guess when you work as much as I do and everything, you spend a lot more time inside your head than living in the moment of time, so therefore, I think way too much.
I spend a good 80% of my daily life alone, now I say alone with no connotation of sorrow or emptiness. I am very much so happy with things for the time being and life as is, I enjoy the peaceful state of being on my own a lot of the time. Even though most people don't like to spend time by themselves and would much rather have a companion or friend around, I'm okay with the complete opposite of this. I wanna say that I feel even the least bit sad by this truth, but I am not, I am just glad to have the opportunity to be a stronger individual than most people are.
The thing is, we spend a good amount of our time chasing some odd goals we set up for ourselves. As though the world would crumble if we don't have certain material things or people in our lives, it's like a constant competition to see who has what and what will measure up to be the greatest story of all time. Life is not a game, it is not some thing that you can win or anything. Even the people with loads of money and a great career didn't win anything, they just worked harder than most, or got a lucky break and now they just gotta ride out the storm of this crazy world till it comes to an end. My point is, no matter what, you're not going to get some great prize for following the social norm and doing what you "think" is expected of you.
Anyways, happiness doesn't come with a group of friends, or a stunning significant other, it doesn't even come with a large sum of money. All of these things are of only a temporary happiness, almost like drug abusers, they think the drug makes them happy but it is only the chase of the high that makes them feel the slightest bit of joy. I'm not sure about everyone else around here, or there, or anywhere-but I am happy, even when I say I'm not, I'm happy for what I do and do not have in my life. I know for a fact with everything in me, having a great circle of friends is nice, but they will change as will I and they will be gone. I know that yeah, maybe having a relationship would be nice and the whole "falling in love" thing may make me happy, but I prefer to stick with what I know, telling myself a bunch of lies will not suffice. Being alone doesn't actually mean a life of misery and all of the terrible things people make it out to be...it just means not having a plethora of people around clouding your judgment, and your thoughts. I have what I need, and that is me, myself, and I. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and all the other amazing people I have in my life, hell I live with 3 of my good friends and I enjoy pretty much every second of it, but the truth of the matter is, we all came into this world and we go out of this world completely and utterly...alone. So being alone is not the same as being lonely, at least you can never lose something that you never had, or rather some one.

All the people.

There are hundreds of people waiting to watch you stumble and most importantly fall, flat on your face. Waiting for you to just step in a huge pile of cow pies and not come out smelling anything less than that. All the people with their noses held high and their knives in hand, waiting to stab you so quickly in the back you'd never know who did it. This is what the world will forever be full of, because everyone initially is only looking out for themselves, their own #1!

However, the beauty of most people being this way is, more motivation to prove others wrong and do things the right way, not to be cocky or to show off, but rather to show those waiting and watching for you to make a mistake, that you don't care how long they give you the stink eye, or what they may say about you....cause you got this, you can handle the pressure and the problems of life, all with a smile because it may be hard but it's not as though anyone ever survives and we all are in the same boat anyways.

Lately...

This is the first time I'm posting an entry from my new "residence", it feels strange, like the kind of strange of using someone else's shower...which, oddly enough I'm just getting used to that concept as well. However, I enjoy this feeling of change and unfimilarity. It's like dipping your feet in a body of water before getting in, you never know what it may exactly be, but you know either way- you're gonna like it. Sadly enough, now my blog entries won't have much, if any art, for I do not have my usb cord and thus cannot get any pictures onto the internet, well, I could, but it would be far too time consuming, time which is now more precious to me than anything. Even the all mighty 'dollar', but that just mostly comes in bulk so it is a far, far worry for myself.
Lately I have been just doing whatever day to day, I just work a lot, unfortunately I wear my work uniform 5 out of the 7 days a week and sometimes just don't even change out of it, much. Which is just kind of pathetic but hey, I am being responsible and independent, isn't this the life? I guess it's nice but sometimes I just miss being a kid, I was so naive, and happy and surround by what I always thought to be tons of caring people. Then I hit the teenage years and that slowly disappeared, can I just go back to no job and naps daily? Now that I no longer live with my parents, and with the constant annoyance of silence I feel at 5-7am after I get off work just haunts me. It's the kind of silence that makes me feel alone, like if it wasn't for me being young and with roommates it would just be me at my house, when I grow up- I think that's exactly what it will be; me up, 6am, with my trusted dog or maybe cat next to me as I blog because I am infessed with thoughts of all kinds. Well, one things for sure, I smile a lot more now, and during the day I don't feel lonely. I just miss seeing my parents sometimes, but I'm glad I still see them a few times a week, even if only for a short while.
I'm going to leave this post with a question, if you stumble upon my blog and read this, do comment and answer if you would, I'd greatly appreciate it. Is it wrong to wait a year, if you have a good paying job, to go back to school? This question has been plauging me so.

In regards to my mood

This is how I feel lately, with life, my emotions, friends, boys, family, everyone and everything. I will keep everyone blocked away forever, because every time I try to make a motion in the right direction or allow myself to be vulnerable, I fail and feel ten times worse. So thats that.

HOWEVER;

This Friday the Banksy movie 'Exit Through The Gift Shop' comes out.

Who's goin' with me? Cause I WILL go before I work Friday.

Open minds, Open hearts.

I feel like every day, week, month, etc. goes by far too quickly. It amazes me that Fridays always come so quickly and that before you know it, the next month is here. I dislike this, there is never enough hours in a day, truly I think everyone feels this way. I don't get time to stop and enjoy the weather or the scenery or for that matter, anything really. My feet have become tired and withered like my soul feels sometimes from working. I do love my job however, and am verrrrry good at it. I just; as I always say, miss the way things used to be. Money really cannot buy happiness, it can buy you material happiness, but thats not even real. But I do feel joyful when people, my friends and family, go out of their way to visit me at work and such, and make time for me in general. It makes me feel as though things haven't changed for the worse.
Anyways, I have recently realized how different cultures are, tonight there was a table of maybe 12-18 arabic decent, men. They were rude to every waitress, finally they sent out the only male, lebanese waiter at our establishment, and these men were nice to him. This right here, is the reason I despise some men. I mean seriously, I'm pretty sure everyone was equal last time I checked. However for some reason, these men think having money means you can treat some people, especially women, horribly. It took everything in me to not walk over there and slap each of them, individually. I just wish everyone would be more open minded to everything, give people a chance before you judge them, before you open your mouth with a rude remark or a bad attitude. It's not as though people choose their race, culture, age, short comings, and everything else. They are just working with what they've got, or at least that's how I see it. Being open minded and open hearted leaves little room for hatred and mostly makes you a beautiful person no matter what your outside may appear. You must give everything and everyone a chance, if you don't you may walk right by one of the most amazing people in the world and not stop to say Hi because they don't please your fancy. I just cannot stress enough how important being nice to everyone is, people are people, they should all be treated respectfully until shown they deserve otherwise. I love my job just because I get to practice this everyday. I meet new people everyday and I just cannot tell you how amazingly warm hearted, giving, kind, beautiful, soul filled people I get the pleasure of having conversations with. Sometimes I walk out of that place with more than just a pocket full of cash, but a heart full of happiness, and some lovely friends that are just as open as I am. I truly believe this job happened upon me for a good reason.


Tip to remember; Open minds give opportunity to an open heart, which will fill your soul with all the nutrients it may need or want.