Thursday, May 24, 2012
Lately I feel as though I am fighting this uphill battle. The battle between my own happiness and keeping/making my loved ones happy. I know, I know, you can't make anyone else happy, and the more you try you're just diminishing your own happiness. However the ultimate question on my mind is, how can I be happy when the ones I truly love and care for are struggling so badly? I honestly have no idea how to continue on and not feel every heart-wrenching pain they feel. It is physically and emotionally draining me so much. Sometimes I just would rather make others happy and bottle all my thoughts and emotions up. I keep holding out, feeling like something has to give, feeling like some turn or twist somewhere in the road is going to make up for all the pain and sorrow. So far, no good. I just continue to have faith, because at the end of the day, all I have is faith. When it all comes down to it, no one is going to be there if I fall, no one is going to support me or hold me up. I guess one just continues to give from the heart and hold the burdens of everyone else above their own. I am learning with each and every new day that strength becomes less about how much you can take on physically, and more about what your character holds as the most important thing. To me, family comes first, even if they do not feel the same towards me...someone has to be there when people fall. If I spend the next eternity as a safety net for others, at least I can feel like I gave it my all...did all I can do, held others in place because they cannot handle everything without me. My heart is always going to be my biggest complex, I just know, if I don't help...who will? "There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay, and nothing you could do could stop me from feeling the way I do. But if the chance should happen that I never see you again, just remember that I'll always love you."