Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The hypocrite's of hypocrisy

I don't get mad about a lot. I get annoyed by many things, but never really angry. However, the one thing that bothers me more than anything in this whole world are, hypocrites. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate hypocrites. I cannot stand those who try to stand for something or someone and end up proving to be nothing but liars. It's the ol' "do as I say, not as I do" trick. Unfortunately, the world happens to be full of hypocrites. From the girls who say "Oh I don't like (insert name here)" and the next day you see they are trying to be best-friends with the person. Also, another area, very infamous for hypocrisy, religious fanatics. I'm OBVIOUSLY, not downing religion nor am I saying all religious fanatics are hypocrites, however, there are some that happen to be. It's those people that try to be so uppity about a certain thing or subject and then you find out they secretly supported it the whole time. It's just one of my major pet peeves, if you are going to say something, stand behind it, don't change your mind and then make up a billion and one excuses why you didn't mean what you first said or did. I mean, I guess everyone is a hypocrite in one respect or another, I'm sure some people even think I, myself am a hypocrite, but as far as I'm concerned when I don't like something or someone, I stand behind my morals and don't go back on my word, because that ruins my credibility.
To be honest, I am just fed up with no one meaning what they say anymore, I am fed up with people going back on their words and still trying to act like they are some sort of saint, it boggles my mind how anyone can feel good about themselves when they clearly don't even know who they are, enough so, that they go back on everything they say. Whatever though, I shall get over it, because the world is full of people like this, and clearly I am the minority because I don't understand the logic of such a world. You shouldn't be so self righteous when you're supposedly all about "not having drama" and yet you befriend and put yourself around people who will bring you nothing but. Realistically I am probably over reacting about things, and just being insane, but oh well. I miss having a best-friend, I miss MY best-friend....:(

Thursday, April 22, 2010

To all the things I wish I still had.

Lately, well for the past like month and a half, all I can think about is how much I miss the way everything "used to be". I miss not having to work, okay obviously that one is stupid to miss; responsibility is a great thing. I miss all the friends I used to see at least once a week, if not, daily. I miss being young, I miss not having worries. I miss my Grandmother, so much and My Lindsaykins. I miss just not worrying about death being around the corner waiting for the ones I love. I miss thinking everyone around me was gonna live forever and that maybe by crazy chance I'd die before anyone in my family did when I got like 85, 90. I miss that naive way of believing things that were just totally impractical.
I feel like everyone around me feels it too though, it's like this huge society of people you can tell are hurting, but act as if everything is fine. I don't mind that most people fake it off, I'd rather see a million smiling faces than a million people crying over change taking everything from them. I am at a loss of things to say to convince myself and others that everything is the way it is for a legitimate reason and that things will get better, because even I feel that isn't going to happen so how can I lie to people when I'd be lying to myself as well? I feel drained and I just want something to make me genuinely smile, not like a smile that comes with seeing someone at work do something funny or the smiles I get when people make jokes. One of those smiles where you can pretty much feel your heart warm you from the inside, out and you can put your hands behind your head and just, smile.
If you don't know what I am talking about, you haven't experienced such a feeling and I feel sorry for you. I always feel like people complain about the smallest worries, like some people just don't know what it's actually like to have to struggle with anything and overcome, like they have never been through anything life changing. But truthfully, maybe they haven't...maybe I deserve more credit than I give myself, or maybe I am just a tortured soul. I'd like to think not, but loss can do some insane things to a person's mental state and take over in a way you never knew possible. I'm just going to try to make everyone, including myself, smile more.

Also, speaking of those times when you are genuinely happy, heres a picture from a horse drawn carriage ride one night that I just "happened" upon with my bestfriend, it was pretty awesome and made the day ten times better.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Just a thought...

So often people say the word happy, or other variations of the word. People use it so loosely, as if they know what it is for sure. I do not know about everyone else, so I won't speak for them, however, I can speak on my own behalf and say it doesn't exist. Not trying to be miserable or like emotional. I just do not believe true happiness it out there, I have experienced moments of happiness, but then again everyone has. There is not one person, I think, in this world that is literally happy everyday. Which would only mean there are such things as moments of happiness, rather than a life of happiness. Most people may argue this point, but when it comes down to it, in a perfect world maybe everything works out for everyone, all the time. Seeing as we live in the real world, this is not even a fraction of the actual case. You may be happy now, this day or this hour, this week. It could even carry over for several months, but it will and does come tumbling down, and it's out of your control and then you're back to square one. We think if something isn't cutting the potential we thought it was, we throw it out, get rid of it at any cost. Sometimes we have to do this with people or whatever the situation might be, we don't want to, but it's more of a process type deal. I guess the moral of every situation, well usually the ones where you try to prove yourself or someone else wrong; is that you can't rely on people, places, or things to make you happy. It's a hard thing to do, because off the top of my head I can think of the things that make me happy and most are either things or people, so how do we find true happiness when we cannot rely on the things we want to make us happy anymore? I'm not sure, but then again is anyone? Can true happiness really come from inside, or can enough bad things happen to make it impossible to find happiness from anything but others? I don't know much anymore, I feel out of my comfort zone daily, with people everywhere, even people I already know or have known for years. I dove into the great unknown and lost myself while falling. I feel like a time traveler, I'm always looking for somewhere new to lay my head, someone new to take interest in, something new to teach me a thing or two. Then I realize most everything is the same just with a different look to it. It's the truth, the disappointing truth, which is also the same reason we find ourselves down and doubting ourselves, the disappointing truth. I know my limits now, I know my convictions were right and well justified, I know now that the mindset I have is going to stick with me till the day I die. Tip for the day: Never lose your morals or convictions, they mean more than anything you could give them up for.

PS; I'm sure I won't be posting much in here anymore, especially not drawings. I have no time for a life outside of my work, so I apologize in advance.
Shelby Kirchoff