To all the things I wish I still had.

Lately, well for the past like month and a half, all I can think about is how much I miss the way everything "used to be". I miss not having to work, okay obviously that one is stupid to miss; responsibility is a great thing. I miss all the friends I used to see at least once a week, if not, daily. I miss being young, I miss not having worries. I miss my Grandmother, so much and My Lindsaykins. I miss just not worrying about death being around the corner waiting for the ones I love. I miss thinking everyone around me was gonna live forever and that maybe by crazy chance I'd die before anyone in my family did when I got like 85, 90. I miss that naive way of believing things that were just totally impractical.
I feel like everyone around me feels it too though, it's like this huge society of people you can tell are hurting, but act as if everything is fine. I don't mind that most people fake it off, I'd rather see a million smiling faces than a million people crying over change taking everything from them. I am at a loss of things to say to convince myself and others that everything is the way it is for a legitimate reason and that things will get better, because even I feel that isn't going to happen so how can I lie to people when I'd be lying to myself as well? I feel drained and I just want something to make me genuinely smile, not like a smile that comes with seeing someone at work do something funny or the smiles I get when people make jokes. One of those smiles where you can pretty much feel your heart warm you from the inside, out and you can put your hands behind your head and just, smile.
If you don't know what I am talking about, you haven't experienced such a feeling and I feel sorry for you. I always feel like people complain about the smallest worries, like some people just don't know what it's actually like to have to struggle with anything and overcome, like they have never been through anything life changing. But truthfully, maybe they haven't...maybe I deserve more credit than I give myself, or maybe I am just a tortured soul. I'd like to think not, but loss can do some insane things to a person's mental state and take over in a way you never knew possible. I'm just going to try to make everyone, including myself, smile more.

Also, speaking of those times when you are genuinely happy, heres a picture from a horse drawn carriage ride one night that I just "happened" upon with my bestfriend, it was pretty awesome and made the day ten times better.